i look cute today
Tuesday, Feb. 13, 2007   8:35 am

its so dumb. two reid entries in a row. but oddly enough, there are developments...

jesus. just thinking about him brings the stupid tears. i cant get over it. how dumb i am. how poorly i control emotions sometimes. not sometimes. only thesetimes. reidtimes.

3 days after the last entry he wrote to me. isnt that crazy? i thought so. and while i cant respond to it...i love it. i love him. gosh. if we could just be like we once were....

maybe it was because it was my birthday.

maybe because he felt id been on his myspace.

maybe because he actually reads these piece of shit diaries.

or, maybe, because he just had the writing spirit in him...

i dont care why. it just made me so happy. that he hasnt forgotten me. and that, according to him, he never will.

god. one day ill stop being such a gdarned baby. and get over whatever i cant seem to get over.

it seems so dumb. like, why cant we be friends? we managed for a while...but i couldnt handle it! i couldnt handle not being a part of the day to day life of him. and thats DUMB! the resentment, i guess, that i failed and hes been able to hang in there. and its not even! like that. i am soo fucking proud of him. i was a bad influence so how can i resent him for doing better after i left? i cant.

and at the same time, i am unable to appreciate him during a friendship. i am unable to...keep my stature? keep my...posture? some word...im unable to maintain my sanity i guess because there are/were soo many underlying emotions that had to do with him. he was a part of my life that ill never have back. i suppose its too sad to me to be able to smell my old life but to never truly revisit it. and then i get angry and become a bad friend.

why am i writing this?? i hate when i analyze something so hard that it turns into an unnecessarily long entry like this. but i need to do this. otherwise the thoughts are just all retardedly jumbled in my head with no outlet. no one here knows him. no one in my life today knows me then. knows how i felt then. knows or could comprehend how i feel now. so, i tell myself.

i need a good cry about this. its like meditation. i cant tell because the tears are so wont to come right now. i need to get it all out. maybe i should meditate on this. maybe then we could be friends again. no. he doesnt understand me or where im coming from. and that makes it harder sometimes.

and the ramble doesnt stop...time to click the stupid done! button

8:56 ***composure. im unable to keep my composure in a friendship with him.