the money pit
Thursday, Jan. 11, 2007   8:40 am

i hate myself. i am completely and utterly retarded. its the only explanation for me.

in my head im all about rehabilitation. when it comes to drugs and money. i know what i am going to spend my money on, who im going to pay back, and when im going to get all my shit straightened out. apparently, none of that has anything to do with anything.

every day i spend more money. on crap. coke, food, laundry baskets, cigarettes. and while im swiping my card through the machine allowing it to take money from my account absolutely nothing runs through my head. and then later, when im scared to check my balance on-line i run over every little thing i spent money on. and disallow myself to go to check on my actual amount left. then, when i finally can bring myself to check, im overdrawn. with over $135 in overdraft fees.

and then, i hate myself. for being so bad a person i cant even save money that helps my family survive. its terrible to be so hungry i cry. yet i do it to myself. i mean, out of potentially at least $1100 a month, my lone bill is only $450. leaving me $650 to wipe my ass with. so why am i struggling paycheck to paycheck? where does this money go? especially when im not even able to make rent?!??? wtF??

and then i tell myself: im trying, ill try. but its a LIE!! i know next time im hungry instead of buying from a dollar menu ill get a meal. or, instead of getting a $1 pizza from winn-dixie ill get chinese food for $7.

whine. whine. whine.

id like some cheese.