do i love you enough?
Tuesday, Nov. 28, 2006   8:29 am

how do you raise a little boy?
you give him love and attention and food and maintain the energy required to chase him around the world.

how do you raise a growing boy?
you give him love and attention and food and a place to keep his worldly trasures (i.e.: weird shaped rocks, marbles, dead bugs, sticks, shiny things, magic cards, bouncy balls, etc.).

how do you raise a big boy?
i dont know. i cant do it anymore. he wont let me and im scared for him.

what do we do when this fucking kid refuses to go to school? fine, yes. call the truancy people. but as soon as they come to the house to pick him up theyll see the squalor we live in and take my mom back to jail for child neglect. they wont understand that she and i both work over 40 hours a week. they wont understand the determination matthew has to not do anything to help and to make as much of a mess as possible. for how long can it be our responsibility to take the empty tv dinner packages and trays from his bed?

what do we do when he says no? taking his things away doesnt affect him. hell find more things. ground him? yeah. no. the second we go to work he steps out and doesnt come home until after we are back from work.

how do we feed someone who never gets full-especially when theres just enough money to feed ourselves at times? i bought him a rib entree from fridays that came with fries and something. he ate it then came into my room asking if there was any other food because he was still hungry.

i dont know what to do anymore. i am so scared for him. the little boy with an IQ of 150 something. the little boy who was born at 5lbs 15oz now stands, at 13, 5ft 11 with a size 14 shoe. hes still a little boy. hes too smart for his own good. ive fucked him up too much for his own good. and theres no way to go back and fix what ive done to him. how ive treated him. i feel like ive ruined his life before its started. thats not fair. and now, ive created a monster.

im sorry matthew. can i say that enough? im sorry i dont give you my time and attention and love anymore. its hard. and youll never understand. but i love you. and i think thats why its so hard to be around you. god. whats the point? hes never going to read this and im never going to show him.