explanation for my weaknesses
Thursday, Oct. 19, 2006   8:00 am

i feel a need to rectify myself, from the last entry.

(did i even use that word in the right context?)

i was sick over the weekend. my weekend off. thus, stuck in bed to ride out the sick storm. it was bad. the sickness was bad. the lack of sleep. the hunger. the ennui. not to mention i was in bed thursday to sunday.

by sunday i was done. i couldnt take it anymore. especially knowing that no one else in my life was sick or restricted. i was going crazy. i dont know if it was the sickness or not though. it probably was. but i called over to the house and begged for a ride. while i was waiting, i lost it. i was crying and pacing in my driveway.

why was i going to hang out when im just getting over being sick? and if i was healthy enough to hang out then i was healthy enough to go to work in the morning. but, no. i decided to call in another day (after leaving early thursaday and missing friday). that made me so angry! so fucking mad at myself! how weak was i that couldnt go a weekend without seeing those people. who are those people? why do i need to be around them so much? why do i care? what do they do for me that makes me want to put my job in jeopardy? my home? so angry at myself. yet, i didnt tell matt not to come get me. i fought with him for hours to get me. dammit to hell i suck!

thats why i wrote that last entry. anger. despair. sadness. madness from sickness. a whole bevy of crap. bevvie? fuck it.

i couldnt elaborate because i picked the worst time and place to write. and i couldnt pour out my soul then.

but i feel better. not 100%, but having a boyfriend helps...