ackworth and desperation
Tuesday, Oct. 03, 2006   12:10 pm

we went up to georgia. it was okay. that place is truly beautiful. i could have had a better time. i could have been equally as happy staying home. but, i did get out some i-need-a-vacation-jitters.

glens mom hates me. HATES ME! ive never been the direct object of someones direct hate. its amazing that there are people like her in the world. let alone adults with children. she gave me dirty looks and ignored me. had me do stupid little things so as to keep me busy and out of her hair. and made little remarks indicating that alex is better than me and that glen is better with her. whatever. she moved to georgia away from 2 of her kids, and over the years as all of her children lived with her and near in georgia, theyve now all moved away. and she is alone.

it was hard. alex and glen. i realize more and more that im not over anything. that glen has this amazing power to make you fall in love with him and stay that way. and thats where i am. i had to seriously fight all of my urges to grab his hand whenever it was near me. i even had to fight resting my head on his shoulder. i was able to visualize it all in my head. but i dont think that would have worked well in reality.

why do i love him so much? and why do i give myself fake hopes that he loves me too? alex really does like him. i had my turn with him. i broke up with him. i moved away from him. but, it hurts. he really was the best boyfriend ive had. out of all, like, 3 or 4.

in my eyes he is perfect. he has no flaws. and whatever flaws he may have are not flaws to me. hes perfect. i love everything about him. everything about his body, his back, his arms, his face. i love his voice, his heart, his clothes, his walk. i love him. his mess. his eye contact. him.

ive resolved to stay away. i need a break from alex and glen. they need a break from me probably. i will let their bond as a couple take over all of alexs free time. then she wont really be able to hang out with me and i wont have to see him or them. their kissing and touching and whispering and..god everything that i want.

do i settle? again? miguel? or danny? no, no. no settling. im not that desperate...

yet.