cheap trick
Monday, Sept. 25, 2006   6:18 pm

everythings horrible. but im not really allowed to feel that way i feel. it sucks.

alex and glen. it hurts. im really glad she told me while i was on bars because while i remember that they like each other and hooked up, all the details dont come flushing to my head right away. unless i try to summon them. but i havent done that yet and i dont think i will.

i dont want glen. all i want is for him to want me. and maybe i love him a little. but he doesnt want me. not right now. which is fine, i guess. i could never have him inside me again and i could never really be with him. so, there is really no reason for me to be upset.

if anything i should be happy. alex likes him. shes happy liking him. i am happy if shes happy since i know a lot she puts on the same happy front i do.

but something inside me feels so terribly rotten when i think about it. and its going to be really hard to maintain a neutral attitude towards each of them.

its also going to be really hard thinking about glen being with another person i know. from marissa to beondra and now to alex. it hurts. especially when a part of me has always wanted to be with him.

but he cheated on me. i dont sexually want him. i only want him to want me.

im just really lonely i think. so lonely that somehow me and miguel kissed while we were more sober than weve ever kissed before. but thats not really what i want.

im so sick of everyone knowing each other. finding each other. hooking up with each other. losing each other. hurting each other.

i need new people. new friends. a new love. a new life. some new clothes. and a little less drugs i think.

like 7 blunts today. soooooo high.