heres to you, disappointment
Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006   3:39 pm

im losing myself again.

god! how tired i am of writing those words. even more tired, i suppose, of thinking them. feeling them.

but its true.

nothing is important.

well, nothing important in important.

drugs, friends, and not taking care of my responsibilities are now the main forces keeping me going in life.

its sick.

i dont know how to save money. i dont know how to function normally!

even though i know i shouldnt have bought 2g last weekend, i did.

even though i could just take the bus home-which is already paid for-and get a good nights sleep i just offered shan money to come pick me up and i offered to take her out for food.

meanwhile, the electricity at home could be cut off any day now and i have bill collectors call me all day every day.

what the fuck is wrong with me?! why cant i just do what im supposed to?

why do i let these impulses to have fun control? why did i take off 2 days from work just to stay in alexs bed all weekend? why did i also take tuesday off just so i could trip monday night? i can always trip on any night off. its not like it was a one time deal.

but it was a right now deal. and when somethings presented i go for it.

im not going to make it. i know it. i am doomed to fail in life and never live any better than paycheck to paycheck.

maybe i should go out tonight and celebrate the fact that i know whats coming til the end of my days: disappointment.