take me with you
Wednesday, Aug. 16, 2006   3:19 pm

this is truly the beginning of the end. i cant take it.

my mom is dying. really dying. even though there wont be a diagnosis until friday, they believe she has copd-a bronchitis/emphysema super killer. she could live with it. but i dont think she will for long. asthma doesnt help.

so scared. i am so fucking scared. she is in the hospital and i am my brothers only caretaker while she is there. i cant do this. his school starts monday. he has no school supplies or uniforms. we havent even visited the school. orientation is tonight and no one can be there on his behalf.

i cant live without my mom. these 2 days shes been hospitalized have been hell. i dont know how people watch their parents die and survive.

i just keep thinking about how alone i am.

nobody i know has sick parents. nobody i know has had to ride in the ambulance with 1/2 of their only living family hoping they make it to see the hospital. i have no one to turn to. no one to depend on. she will be coming home soon and this burden will be lifted from me. but, like i said, this is just the beginning. she is going to get worse. and i will just get more and more alone.

these events are unprecedented in my life. all the loved ones who have passed have not been my mother. even byron dying left nowhere near the fear that encompasses me when i think of her not existing. what would i do? really? what the hell would i do?

im not ready to not have a mother. shes so much more than my mother. she is my only means of support and strength. to watch her die...and thats what i will be doing from now on...will kill me. im going with her. either that or im going to fight my damndest to keep her here.