when the talking leads to touching...
Tuesday, Jun. 06, 2006   12:46 pm

do you want to know how fucked up i am right now in my life? here goes:

ive been online recently and have had time to review recent entries i forgot i entered. its kind of like me catching up with my life. i forget the days so quickly lately.

two days and countless rereadings later i come to realize that i never mentioned what happened the day after i got home from california.

i feel so shitty that i forgot, but i guess it also highlights a little bit where i am in my life and where ive been lately. gone. so far fucking gone.

jon, my ex-boyfriend, got me pregnant. first time i typed that. pregnant. i was pregnant.

i was pregnant for all those entries in california. and maybe one or two after.

my stomach had been at unease for weeks. but i didnt think to really think baby until my period skipped california.

it was my immediate choice. if it happens again, the decision will be the same one.

i think by forgetting to log in my feelings pregnancy and/or the following abortion that shows just how not ready i am for something like this in my life.

and im not. im so not. i pay my brother to clean my kittens litter box for crying out loud! how can i raise a human being??

how can i kill one either then?

in this world we live in today i am not ever going to introduce a baby when i am not fully prepared to raise it to the best of my capabilities.

not without my own, stable home in a community id want to grow a child in. not without a father for it. not without the money to buy for it everything that i can that will make it smarter and more well rounded. i want to be a good mother. and if im still working at winn dixie, doing drugs, and living with my mother-its not going to be good.

they say you have to help others in order to help yourself. i believe that when it comes to children. i cannot possibly have a little baby when im still trying to get back into the womb myslef.

i have no regret and few heart wrenching feelings towards the memory. i often forgot in the weeks after the ept and before the abortion that i was even pregnant. so, as much as it hurts knowing i took my sons life away (ive decided it was a boy) i know i did the best thing for the both of us.

and now im a better person. ive always known how to be careful-ive just never practiced it. now i am. i just had sex 2 days ago since having last had sex with jon a week after california. and it was with someone i generally like. and we talk on the phone for hours. and he makes me feel good. which is what ive been looking for.

i want someone to make me feel good for once. i always make them feel good. even though victor and i arent in love (not yet) and he doesnt want a relationship at this point (there is hope though) i appreciate that he makes me feel good. and the fact that i am holding out for a relationship with him is different. with fred i did too, but i couldnt really see us together-i just wanted him to want that from me. but this one. hes good. i say theyre all good. which they are-at least good people, to me. but...

i dont know. i cant see into the future. this will probably come crashing down from the cloud ive flown it up to and i will just continue wandering the earth for a life-long love.

but im alive now. if that means anything. im as ever as dependent on drugs, but now i have emotions. california and pregnancy and being with jon and fred and moving into an apartment...all those things were done with me as glossy eyed as a stuffed squirrel. but im better. movies make me cry. i want to read. im going to concerts and making attainable goals for securing my future.

im excited. and, if anything, jon getting me pregnant was a good thing. and i promise myself never to forget a thing like that again.