this is like the middle of milo and otis...which, may i remind, had a happy ending
Tuesday, Mar. 14, 2006   6:28 pm

you never forget your first love.

i cant.

hector is still perpetually on my mind. i think its almost closing time.

everything that happens-every step closer ends up pushing me three steps back i feel.

i summoned the guts to ask his father for hectors number the last time the senior came to the store.

he gave it to me.

its disconnected...all of the hope and expectation and fantasizing that went into the moments right before i dialed...i cant explain in words.

i searched on myspace-last weekend-first time i thought to. i found him. picture and everything! my heart stopped! his profile wouldnt load...my heart fell onto the floor.

i got the page to load. more pictures. my heart returned to me. do i leave a message? do i leave a breezy comment? what can i do?

but then i looked at the last time hed logged in: may 2005

almost a year ago...he had one friend and no real contact info on the page...i then took my heart out from inside myself and hurled it at a wall.

and now, here i sit heartless. (but still, foolishly hopeful.) and i dont know where else to go. i guess i should give up. its been four years. long enough, i suppose.