bang, bang youre dead; hole in your head
Friday, May. 20, 2005   11:29 am

last night i had troubles. it was the scariest thing in so long.

any instant i closed my eyes, i saw him. i saw the bullet hole to the head.

i saw his limp, smiling face-one eye shot out.

i saw my little brothers reaction.

it was all so real. and i couldnt escape it. everytime i closed my eyes.

so, i laid with my eyes wide open-too scared to blink...too scared of the quick flashes of his death. the tears fell so quick from my unmoving eyes.

why? i was thinking about nothing related to byron or his death or my family. i kno why. thats why. because i never think about it. it was my punishment for being so selfish and for not caring. i do care. very deep down. im too scared to think about it a lot. thats why ive tried to kill myself. thats why i could only write poetry about fathers and death for so many years-and even now they happen. its why i cut myself. his death affects me every day. but i cannot consciously think about it. its too much.

then it went away. and i let it. the strong images disappeared and i went on thinking about my life. about myself.

im such a bad person and i dont know how to make it stop.