for shanon
Saturday, Mar. 26, 2005   2:02 am

shanon,

i cant send this to you because i know it wouldnt do any good. i know that my words dont mean anything to you anymore. and im sorry. although the word sorry has lost all meaning.

it scares me that you dont want me in your life anymore. it scares me that i might not know what becomes of you and that you might not know what becomes of me. i love you. i want to be there for you. but because of how horrible of a person i am i cant anymore. but the thought of you being alone-without me-is horrible. i know how much i need you and if you need me even 1% of that then...i dont know.

i was reading your letters-from CA-and i came across "john smith is FUGLY". that was the funniest thing ever! do you remember that. you stood him up-and we watched. and then there was your chinese guy. and the stalking. there was one letter where you told me that next time id probably be better off taking 7 triple cs or maybe even 6, since 8 made me feel sick. god. everything i have ever done with you has been fun. from just sitting and watching glen at churchs to riding buses all over the world to watching tv over the phone together. how does that happen? its not like that with anyone else. i enjoy your company more than anyone elses. i dont want to say it wont ever happen again, but i know that because of how bad a person i am that thats a possibility. and im sorry.

of all the best friends ive had (and we know its a lot) youre my favorite. you know that. i dont even have to say it. we used to be able to talk better than butter-whatever that means. ive told you things that no one else can ever know and vice versa. what happens to those things if we arent friends? thats scary. there is not one other person i can talk to and theyll get me. not reid, not angela, not miriam, nobody. and now i dont have you. everything im feeling right now about us is forced to stay inside me. talking to anyone but you is fruitless. they dont/couldnt understand me. for all my friends know, they dont know anything. you do. i dont have that connection with anyone but you. everything is nobody but you. and you dont want me in your life. i dont know what its going to be like, but im sorry.

honestly, i cant explain my actions. if i could then maybe you wouldnt not want me anymore. if i could i would have years ago and everything would be okay now. in my life there are 2 things that i want (besides happiness, freedom, and wealth) and thats you and for the opposite sex to want me. all of them. every last guy. and maybe thats why ive done everything i have: i had you, but i didnt have them. thats not an excuse, thats not a reason, but as far as i can come up with thats the only thing that comes to mind. i dont want to hurt you. this current knowledge that ive pushed you so far that you dont want to talk to me is what makes me cry. more than the fact that you dont want to be my friend and even more than that possibility i wont know you forever and ever. that i hurt you. because i dont want to hurt you. i dont mean to. i love you! i want you to have someone you can talk to. about school, about guys, about your mom, about rich. about everything. and im scared that if im not there for you then what? if i knew that you had another me in gainesville or florida then i might feel a little better. but veena isnt me. just as miriam isnt you. and i know you can live your life just fine without me, but i dont want you to. it couldnt be the same. i know what we had. i also know that thats irreplaceable. if someone could make you laugh the way i could id feel better (well, a little jealous too) and if someone could piss me off the way you can with your no birth control then things might be okay. but they cant. no other people could be us. no other combination of me and another or you and another could ever be us. god, im sorry.

i cant send this to you. itd be pointless. and i know you dont ever read this. i wish you did though. jesus. i didnt want to cry over you tonight. i thought i would just forget about you. that was my plan. honestly, thats been my plan for so long. because it seems easier than dealing with shit: the separation, the problems, everything. but then i thought about it. and i realized that this is happening because you are hurt. so hurt that you wont talk to me. and i did it. and ive done it before. and maybe we cant be friends because ive lost all chances. all ounces of trust are lost forever. and theres nothing i can say! theres nothing i can do to get it back.

all i can really say is that you have been my best friend ever. you have given me the best memories of my life. you have introduced me to so much (from crazy/beautiful to triple cs to hollywood beach to dane cook). nothing can ever take away what weve shared. my first girl kiss. my first time in bed with another guy was in your bed with your guy. oh gosh, thats horrible. ill always have all of your CA letters our california emails the card you made me for my birthday in 8th grade (which is the best card anyone has ever given me). no one will ever compare to you and us. for the love of god (and we know how much i love that bastard) i hope this isnt our end. i mean, we still have so much we can do. from clubbing to even more extensive drug use to maybe even a threesome? i love you. when you said it to me the first time i was so happy.

i want to reminisce with you. forever. we could do it forever. me on the radio, us panhandling on hallandale beach blvd, our billy bob encounter, our 11 hour escape, how we watched dane cook over and over then repeated everything he said later and still laughed our asses off, get behind the van!! everything is perfect with you and thats how it will remain in my heart. i want to send this to you. maybe i will in a couple days. but for now i dont think it would have any impact-no matter what i say. it doesnt take anything back or cement anything for the future. but please know i love you and how important youve been in the me-growing-up-process.

love me always please,
jaaybe