i can only say im sorry so many times
Monday, Mar. 07, 2005   12:18 pm

lately.

i think about my mom. i think about the shit shes been through. i think about how alone she is. i think about how thats my fault.

i see so vividly her lying on the floor. i remember months after that still being able to look up and see her blood on the ceiling. i think, why me? why us?

i dont know what to think. it is so hard to believe that those things happened to me-that they are a part of my childhood. i dont remember that night-the night she was given vertigo as a result of damage to her brain as a result of byron being so cracked out he didnt know what he was doing. did i call the cops? i dont remember. did he? probably not. was he even there by the time they showed up. i dont think so. i think when he saw her blood on floor and the fear in my eyes he ran.

they asked for his description. did i give it to them? was he ever picked up? i think so. did he feel bad. ill never know, but i like to think he did. did he remember that he picked up my mother and threw her down onto the linoleum floor? i hope so. i know that i cant forget it.

i dont know why i let myself live in the past so much. that was 10 years ago. when will i move on? when my mom can look up at fireworks again.

there were two sides to him. the mean side-that tried to kill my mom when she was pregnant with his son. and then there was the father side who helped me clean my room and defended me when he caught me stealing Laffy Taffys and Bubblicious from the convenient store. i wanted the him to die. i blame myself for that. i prayed to (")god(") that he would die and we could be happy. it didnt quite work out that way.

ive lost all train(s) of thought..im done. im sorry byron.