im a little shit-head
Tuesday, Jan. 04, 2005   7:27 pm

so far, this new year has gotten off to a pretty shitty start. ive spent 2 of the last 4 days absolutely gone on tcs and the rest of the time sleeping, fighting with shannon, or going behind her back (only to fuel future fights with her, of course).

new years night i made out with chris twice-not to her knowledge. he and i have talked on the phone almost as much as he and she have since weve known him (weve known him for a week). and i hung out with him last night in my cutest outfit with very unclear intentions.

i wanted to catch him cheating on her with me. melissa had her video camera and i provided the tcs (the only way i could see myself making out with him again). it was supposed to be easy and fun. i was even going to go to south beach with him and-not to his knowledge-find a hot guy. he ended up getting sick on melissas rooftop deck and we had to take him home. hes called me at least twice today, but i dont plan to ever talk to him again.

i am not sure why i do this to shannon. i walk around like im all high and mighty-a good friend. when really im so not and deep down i have alterior motives. and its only with her. i would never try to steal one of miriams guys. or angela or whatever. its only shannon. i think i need validation. she always has more guys than me and i just need to make sure that theres nothing wrong with me (except the fact that i probably wont fuck them on our first
encounter). and thats what i do. like, angelo-i couldnt stand the kid and i would never touch him but i fueled a conversation on how he and 2 other guys me and shannon hung out with felt about me. even thought i didnt want any of them and she was doing her thing with angelo. i had to hear that they thought i was the "hotter" of us 2. and with chris, i lead conversations in my direction, to talk about me compared to her.

now, i would never ever say, "between me and shannon who would you choose?". never ever. first of all, thats really fucked up, and second, i want the guy to say it-i dont want to be fishing for anything.

im really fucked up. i have some issues inside me that i only realize when a boy comes between me and shannon. and to make matters worse, she wants him to move in with her-which changes everything. hell cheat on her in an instant and she doesnt believe me. i want to tell her about last night, but i cant because we didnt get anything really on tape and then i look like an ass for hanging out with him. and although we kissed and he said a lot of things that would make her doubt him more, she wont see any of it. its my word against his. and, yeah, my word is stronger, but i still look like a huge jerk for not completely ending all contact with him.

believe it or not, i have so much more to say. but, i have to entertain lee's company for an hour so he can drive home from wpb. so..yeah, wish me luck. and wish me luck on becoming a better person please.