shitty me
Monday, Oct. 25, 2004   6:33 pm

i talk to my mom maybe 4 times a week. its nice. shes the only person i know im not really interrupting when i call them. and shes the one who understands me the most when i tell her certain things.

i talk to my brother not so much. i used to talk to him more often, but the more trouble he gets into in school, the less it makes me want to talk to him. i know that sounds really bad probably, but its hard. like, on a monday i could get from him promises that hell behave and well talk about what itll be like when he comes to visit. then, later in the week my mom will tell me all the bad things he did in his classes and at wherever they were living at the time. so for me to talk to him again was hard. he just keeps making these promises to do better. and i know he means them, but hes impulsive and doesnt know how to handle all of his energy productively. damn him. so, i cant talk to him. i feel like a failure when i do. and i know! thats a selfish reason not to try to help my drowning little brother, but i dont know what else to do. i dont think my words are really any sort of a driving force for him. i think he forgets we talked as soon as we hang up. its really sad...but all too true.

my mom told me last night that she cant take it anymore. she tells me that periodically and i usually suggest giving him up to the state. to which she replies: how would you have felt, at 11, if i had given you away to someone else? our conversations about it have gone in circles for my whole life. my whole life i have tried to convince her to get rid of him. even when times were good, i thought itd be nice to have her all to myself.

last night she say: im giving him over to the state.

i didnt know what to say. i wanted to yell at her and say, what kind of mother are you?! but i couldnt. for years i have put the ideas into her head, even more so these last couple of months. i even once got to the point where i was gonna have my teacher call dcf (department of children and family services) on my mom and have him taken from her. but now that its happened or happening, i cant believe it and dont want it to.

i cried last night for my first time since i was on my way out of fort lauderdale. i know this is my fault. my mom looks to me for advice, suggestions, anything i can give her. i know that. and now its come back to shit in my face. i havent talked to her today, so maybe she didnt really go through with it. i hope she didnt. but i dont want to call her because im so afraid to hear she did and hes gone.

hes 11 years old. hes my little brother, whom, after years of my struggling to come to terms with not being the only child anymore, ive come to love more than any other person in this world. hes matthew, whom ive come to trust more than any other person in this world.

will i be able to see him when i go home? will i be able to face him if im able to see him when i go home? is it fair for me to be able to hug him knowing i shook up his short life more than any single event has been able to thus far? its so much easier to run away. its what im good at. look at me: im two thousand miles from home. i dont want to see him or talk to him. its so much easier to just forget he even existed. and, as much as i tried to forget about my family this spring, i couldnt. i dont know what else to say on this topic. i already apologized to my brother so many times...in my head.

i dont know what else to do.