memories long gone
Wednesday, Sept. 22, 2004   8:08 pm

byron,

im sorry i dont miss you anymore. i guess i do, but its not the same. the way i miss you now is so deep down inside of me i dont recognize it or realize it often. and for that im sorry too. but dont feel bad...i dont have much feeling anymore about anything-not just you.

its been so long since ive talked to you. i dont even really let myself think about you. todays mommys birthday. and shes stuck going to church. ha! how funny is that? two days after she wished me a happy jewish new year, and tonight shes sitting in church. on her birthday. i know you would think thats funny. i just wish you were here to admit it.

i want you to help me. you have before. or maybe just me talking to you before helped. either way, thats why im here. i need help. from someone. only, once again, i dont know why and i dont know how. it is so lonely being here in this weather. theres no one here to keep me warm. and even at home, when i didnt have someone to keep me warm, i had my bed. my heated waterbed. its been mine since i was 12. now, i dont think itll ever be put together again. and, before the heater was on my bed, i had mommys bed. but now, i have my extra long twin. and my flat comforter. its so lonely. nothing here is familiar. its so sad. i dont think i can explain it well enough.

why wont you talk to me? i always expect you to. but those damned expectations get me every time. i hope you can see us though. i hope you watch mommy and matt. and if you can, i hope you can help matt. i dont know what to do. im out of suggestions. and i know mommy feels even worse about it knowing i have no more advice for her. i try. but nothing comes. ive never raised a pre-teen boy before.

gosh, i love you. and the older i get, the more i forget. the memories i do have left have probably been twisted and shaped so much from the actual thing. so, im prolly not even remembering you or us anymore. some exaggerated version of it lives in me forever. im sorry there too. jeez, i suck all around, huh?

anyways, i love you. and i really hope you can see us. and i hope you miss us. ill prolly talk to you more. you seem to be able to go with me wherever i am. i like that. it helps a little. almost ten years...how does it feel?

good night. i love you.

~jordi