i want to find a lost paradise
Monday, Aug. 30, 2004   9:40 pm

tonite theyre sleeping in a church library...they have nowhere to go while im here at college living it up...

i dont want to go home-its the last thing i want to do...but i feel like im neglecting them. ignoring them. theyre my family. i want to help.

i could ask everyone and their mother what theyd do in my position...but no one or their mother is in my position. at least no one i know.

i havent had a cigarette since august 18. i had at least 5 in a row tonight. i am so worried about them. these people that i once did try to ignore. but they are me and i am them.

my mom was in the hospital with pnuemonia last weekend. she didnt tell me until tuesday. i didnt tell anyone until just now. not like it changes the fact though.

nobody i talk to about this will give me the answer i want to hear. the answer i want to hear is: i will help them. dont worry about it-stay in school and dont worry about it.

no one can do that though.

i dont want to go back to my room tonight. i want to not exist.

why did i chain-smoke tonight? because i wanted to lose all feeling in my body. i wanted to feel nothing instead of this shit. this never ending hole inside me-i wanted to deny its existence. if i had drugs theyd be in my body. if i had a gun its bullet would be lodged into my head. the 65 degree weather-which ordinarily would be dead-of-winter-cold to me-was so welcomed. it made me feel warm. it made me feel something else.

to go home would mean to spend at least $250. i dont have that money right now-and chances are, i wont for weeks. but i also owe my school $4000 by mid-terms. in october. how am i going to do that? the $250 is way easier to get than the $4000.

i have absolutely no one to talk to about this-no one with the answers. whats going to happen to me? to my family? is my mom going to die soon? and then what? i didnt know that i cared about them enough to drop out of school. guess i do.