you're the best part of me
Sunday, Aug. 15, 2004   11:53 pm

i feel like im going to be walking the plank tuesday at 6:55 am, rather than going off to college.

i said goodbye to my mom tonight.

"you're the best part of me."

dont tell me that, mommy. please.

i am so scared of existing without her. 2004 has already been the most trying year of my life not living with her. and even then i got to see her at least once a month. but now...now im going across 2 timezones alone. im so scared.

i must be really good at playing strong because everyone keeps telling me how brave i am and how proud of me they are. yet, when i went to go say goodbye to my cat today, i couldnt even thank the woman who is taking care of her! any sound that came out of my mouth would be escorted by my big salty tears.

you're the best part of me.

she has these powers over me, my mom does. the power to make me love her unconditionally. and i hate it.

when i hugged her goodbye, i realized how much weight shes lost. she doesnt eat enough. i felt too many of her bones in that too short embrace. it scares me. god! it scares me that my mom isnt eating. i mean, how bad is it when you cant eat enough to maintain your body weight? that scares me. i love her so much.

okay, well, i have to go pack now. i should be done...but like i mentioned before (maybe in monstrathart) procrastination has taken over. gnite...