i think i found another regret
Wednesday, Jul. 14, 2004   3:31 pm

readers beware: this is going to be a horrible sick stupid entry!

he picked me up from work. we went to get ice cream. we didnt know what else to do at 11pm on a tuesday night. we went up to his house-a good 30 miles from mine. i didnt want to; we had sex.

i really didnt want to. nothing inside me is turned on by this man. thats what he is: a man. a 32-year-old-condo-owning-im-going-on-a-business-trip-man. the sounds he heard as my pleasure were really the sounds of me trying to hold my tears back. but i believe two did escape from my eyes.

i remember thinking: what am i doing here? why am i lying under this man i dont like? i will never have answers to those questions. why did i cry? because i was sad. i was sad that it was so easy for me to be coaxed into his bed. it takes 3 smirnoff ices to get me truly buzzed-i only had 2 last night. but i think i allowed that to be my excuse for myself. alcohol.

guys are so stupid. he was sitting there telling me how great it was and all this other nice stuff-but, there in the pitch black room, i was rolling my eyes and making faces of disgust. whenever he required a response from me-i gave it. whenever he expected a reaction from me-he got it. but i didnt mean any of it. i feel like im not capable of meaning it anymore.

at least when he wanted to do it again i turned him down. my excuse was: wheres the suspense if i give you everything tonight? which was a horrible thing to say because it gives him hope for another time. i dont ever want there to be another time. i dont think i like sex. i remember a point during when i thought about how good it did feel to have his body on top of mine and to have him inside of me-i felt-god i dont know-cared about? loved? i really dont know, its just such a warm feeling. thats why i have sex i think. its the closest thing to love i think i will ever experience.

jesus i am so pathetic. this is so sick. i dont want to turn this into a self-pity party...but god! i hate myself. i do. and sex makes me feel better. it feels so amazing to listen to another person tell me things that, deep inside, i feel completely opposite about. like that im beautiful and smart and stuff. i allow myself to believe that theyre not just saying it all in the heat of the moment or in the anticipation of having a heated moment. i let myself believe they mean it and that its true.

i am so tempted to lock this entry and forget the password. but why? i dont care what any strangers think of me-i already have my own self-depricating opinion of me...god...im done for now...

oh wait-lets mom hate. she has my phone. i gave her my cell for the rest of the week. she refuses to take a bus and get a job. it hurt very much to sit in their hotel room this morning. to see the small quarters she lives in with an 11 year old boy who has endless energy and an endless appetite. and theres nothing more i can do to help them. all i can do is be there for them-and that makes me sick. being around them makes me sick. there! i said it. and now i cry. crying at work is no fun. SHOOT! me.