i am so sick of liking this kid!!
Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004   8:19 pm

i cant cry anymore for him. i wont. how can i keep letting him affect me like this when nothing is actually happening-at all.

i just called him to ask for my favorite movie back. over the edge. he said hed look for it. i asked if he lost it. he said it wasnt lost that it was just somewhere in his room and hed get it to me tomorrow or the next day. i told him id be in gainesville for the weekend and he said ok. then i said all right bye.

now there is this horrible feeling in my heart and incredibly heavy feeling in my stomach. but i wont cry. why? why would i? why am i so in love with this kid? when will it be over? i keep telling myself i am over him. and i believe it. and i really am-until i talk to him or see him.

you know whats sick? the last 4 times i have seen him it has been purely by chance.

1. he stopped by the house to talk to lee about working on the boat and i was just waking up.

2. i was walking home from an all-nighter with shan and he was on his way to the house to work out monetary crap with lee.

3. i went to bcc after the doctor to use the internet and he was there getting his diploma or something.

4. 4th of july at justins-i had a feeling hed be there but hoped he wouldnt.

what is hurting me so much about all this? what? he kissed me in a heat-of-the-moment type thing-i know that. and even after he said he might be interested in trying something i got all wierd and bipolar and i think made him draw away from me. and now that hes found someone younger and skinnier than me im flipping out. why?

okay-this diary has helped me curb the Tears. i cant cry anymore for him. its almost like crying over a scraped knee when i never fell down.

i wish i could stop being a girl!!!!