series finale
Monday, Jun. 14, 2004   8:10 pm

i havent reread my new smyrna entries and, honestly, im scared to.

i think i lost my mind last week. and i am just slowly beginning to gain it back. all i can say is that i dont think i can ever do triple c's again.

that shit ruined my mind. i slept yesterday from 4 until this morning around 10. ive slept longer, and i should have considering i hadnt slept since sometime saturday. which is how i know the drugs did some damage. i couldnt sleep. and it wasnt that i had this renewed energy when i finally awoke. i was dead tired. but i couldnt close my eyes. inside me i felt this horrible, horrible feeling. it was like my normal day-after feeling gone awry.

i sat for a good 2 hours watching CNN this morning. thats how fucked up i was. i wasnt exactly watching. just sitting on the couch staring. my body felt weak-like after sex. i was very light-headed-like after a malboro red. it wasnt until i smoked a malboro red that i began to feel a little more normal, whatever that is. i took a bike ride, leaving the kids home alone (which is how i know i wasnt totally sane) and when i got back i felt a lot better. but still, tonight, i dont feel completely the same or anywhere near sane.

after our last minute guests left early sunday morning and after the house we knew as our own was finally clean and ready to be returned, melissa and i just sat around shaking our heads in disbelief. it was unreal the week we just had. we kept looking at each other saying: this was so fucking crazy.

now, im at work, trying to hold on to this bit of sanity i found just hours ago. i am so ready to give up all drugs and all alterations of my mind. i cant handle it. new smyrna beach was like the finale of a fireworks show. the final blowout. now im done.