niagra falls-thats me
Thursday, May. 27, 2004   7:58 am

i am falling apart. my mom is killing me. she is stabbing me repeatedly in the heart. i dont know what to do or how to make her stop. how to make this pain stop.

i found out that last night, after she and matt walked from the hotel to the library (about 4 miles) they walked back to junes house (another 4). then they told june, who has all their stuff in a shed in the backyard, that they were gonna pick up some stuff. a while later, freddy-junes husband-went to see what was taking them so long. he found them in sleeping bags in the grass trying to go to sleep. he got really mad and told her she needs to get her shit together for matthew.

they let them sleep in the house-b/c of matt-and then this morning june dropped them off at the henderson clinic. its this mental health place. we dont know where they will be sleeping tonight. i dont know what to do with this woman.

there is a possibility of them staying up in pompano. but its a drug rehab place that doesnt let you out of the building for 30 days. not for school, not for work, not for shit. but my mom goes down to HRS every blue moon to make sure they can still give her foodstamps and stuff. if she doesnt show for her monthly appts. then they cancel her assistance. matt cant be there for a month. i dont know...

today after my psych. final, i called june and found all this out-its not like my mom actually called me to let me know this-and i just started crying. i couldnt control it. and i knew only one place to go that might make me feel better. ms. hart.

i cant believe what we are going to do, but i think its best. as soon as i find out where they are, we are going to call DCF-department of children and family services-to pick up matthew. i cant believe i am going to do this, but i know that its for the best, and ms hart helped me know its okay to do this.

will my mom hate me? will my brother? i cant have him walking 8 miles all day. not going to school. having no place to sleep. not even i went through this. i dont know, though, if i will be able to forgive myself for this. will my mom? im so scared. part of me was thinking that i should leave the house i am staying at, and go through this with my family. it isnt fair that i get shelter and food and security. what makes me more deserving of this than my eleven year old brother? nothing. abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

i am going to live with ms. hart. just for a while. but she invited me to stay with her. she is the only person helping me with this. she is the only person i am talking to about this. i am going today. hopefully, this will help. i dont know, but hopefully.

god...i hope they are okay. i hope matthew is not hungry. i have never been hungry, so i cant imagine what itd be like.. god this is scary. i cant believe what i am about to do.

i feel like these tears will never stop.