dead end
Monday, May. 24, 2004   8:59 am

my mom is spending money she doesnt have on a hotel room. i dont have any money to give her. there is $15 in my account and $14 in my purse.

ms. hart told me i should suggest sending matthew to foster care. i think she convinced me. matthew is very hard to care for. he has ADHD and needs lots of attention that my mom cant give him. most of all he needs a male role model which he has never had. maybe, temporarily, that might be a good idea. itd give my mom to get her shit together.

i feel so horrible even considering giving my brother away-putting him into the system where he may get lost forever, but if he stays with my mom, he is likely to be just as damaged as any foster facility could make him. he needs stability. he is definitely not getting it from the hotels, shelters, and other peoples homes. moving him from florida to new york to florida is not exactly an example of stable. i am so scared for him, but i realized that just because he is with his mother doesnt automatically make wherever she is the best place for him. i dont know. i just want the best for him. especially as he starts to go through the whole puberty thing. the last thing he needs is an ever-changing environment as everything inside him goes through its inevitable metamorphisis (right word? big word).

that is the only thing i can tell my mom. it will only be temporarily and maybe they can give him the therapy and/or medication he might need. its better than being homeless. i am only telling myself all this to make me feel better about wanting to "get rid" of him. oy.