im sorry byron
Monday, May. 10, 2004   7:23 pm

i feel heartless.

may 8, 1995 byron was shot and killed on a city bus. saturday was the 9th anniversary of that day and i did not shed a tear. i actually thought about it very little. i dont know why, when i spent years and years not able to get over it. am i over it? is that bad? i loved him so much. he was the only person who stepped up to be my father. he was the only person that my mother was willing to marry and make a part of her family. is it wrong that i no longer say good night to him or write letters to him? i feel so heartless.

it doesnt take much thinking about him and the blood on my mothers clothes that day to summon the tears and blur the keyboard. so, why cant i take time out of my not-that-busy-day to remember him and miss him? all these stupid questions and no answers. i can only do what i feel inside me. but that makes me feel bad. for some reason, although i never told anyone, i forced myself to start saying good night to byron when i was 11 or 12. i guess it was because i had some guilt for not thinking about him all the time. so, i made sure he was the last thought i had every night.

wow, i have lived half of my life now without him. the distance of his death is just going to get bigger and bigger. and i fear my memories will get smaller and smaller. but what can i do? i dont have any pictures of him, besides a mugshot in the obituaries. there is little proof he ever existed to me. my mom has the clothes he died in and his blood-stained sunglasses. i have nothing. i had a ring of his, but i lost it. i kick myself so hard because i cherished that ring so much. i wore it around my neck until it could fit on my thumb then my ring finger.

wow, this whole entry is so jumbled. and i still feel heartless. i really think i am broken. and theres no one who can fix me. now what?