alternate universe
Sunday, May. 02, 2004   10:32 pm

for months now, shan has been talking about this alternate world she steps into when she takes CCC's. i was like, okay, shan, thats weird. but last night, i realized that i, also, have my own world that i exist in when im seeing triple. i never realized that i go somewhere else when i am really messed up.

i was on the beach with melissa, miriam, and kelly. we ran into 3 guys with a guitar and started talking to them. eventually, sublime and california were mentioned, and then i was in my world. i was no longer on hollywood beach; i was nowhere. i was in california. i was happy.

later that night, miriam and her ex were gettin it on in the hotel room, so we all had to vacate. i opted to stray from the rest of the people. i am not really one of them, i like them a lot, but i am not truly myself with them and i dont like that. so, i wandered down the beach. i found a lifeguard tower and sat. i didnt hear the wind and waves. i heard voices. i heard music. i swore on my life that i heard voices: laughing and carefree. but no one was there. besides my auditory delusions, i also saw things. not much, but enough so that i mention them now. mostly, i saw people. walking on the boardwalk. they werent the ones talking and laughing though-i couldnt find those people. and then some people were whispering. it scared me so much, but not so that i did anything about it.

i can be so happy on my c's. i call them my best friends. dont know why. they help me escape. and right now, i need to escape. so, i throw myself into work and drugs. i am so miserable when i am not doing either. i need to get out of here. if i didnt have new mexico to look forward to, i would be so lost in that world. i would let myself suffocate in coricidins blissful grip. which isnt all that bad, but i want to do something with my life.

oh yeah, my moms back. i wish she would just die already-no, i dont. i wished it on my stepfather and it happened.