hidden expectations
Wednesday, Apr. 28, 2004   3:16 pm

i always tell myself, expect nothing. so, i dont. or so i thought. apparently, i continue to have expectations for things deep down. and i let myself get hurt when things turn out a certain way. okay, ill explain.

im in love with mike. i dont want anything with him. but i love him with all my heart. apparently, one of my expectations was for him to remain forever alone-happy, but alone-and always a virgin, unless i took that from him-which i dont want to. i dont know...i have seen him in relationships with my friends before. all three of his prior relationships were with three of my very close friends. its not like i want him all for myself-but i think deep down i did.

he made out with marleese "like crazy" (in dustins words). i dont know why i let that hurt me like it did. he likes her, he admitted that to me. and apparently, she likes him a lot-maybe more than he likes her (says dustin again). he deserves to be happy. but i wanted him to want to be happy with me. but i let the kiss thing be awkward instead of pursuing a relationship, as he suggested. well, last night when i found out about them, i couldnt help it-i still cant right now: i cried. i cried at work. i cried like a girl. i cried over a boy. i hate myself for it, but then, he isnt a regular boy. hes mike. i love him.

i am trying to do what morrie (tuesdays with morrie) said he does. he said to feel something, then detach yourself from that feeling. i am trying. last night, i allowed myself the cry. then i told myself that was enough. i allowed myself to be sad, then i went to the bathroom and stopped. but even right now the tears come so eagerly. i dont know why. its those damn hidden expectations. i expected him to be devoted to me forever. if that meant celibacy, then hed do it. but who am i to ask that of him? not his girlfriend. never will be. i dont want to be. but i want him to be mine.

and now, because of this whole thing, im spiraling again into the vortex of depression. im doing stupid things. i stayed home from school today and i invited mohawk over to the house tonight. i dont like mohawk!

as far as i know, mike and marleese havent done the deed yet, but if they continue on-and there is no reason that they wont-it cant be far off. that scares me. i told him last friday that i expect him to tell me when he does it. but now i take it back. i dont ever want to know. i dont ever want my picture of him to be altered, and if i know about them doing that, it will.

he im'd me today, and since he isnt on my buddy list anymore (i used to check it every minute to see if he was on, i had to stop) it asked if id accept the im. i said no. i cant talk to him right now. i need to detach myself from the whole situation. it hurts too much not to. i know i should be happy for him. it takes so much for this kid to be happy, so if she makes him happy i should be happy too. but i cant. not right now. i am being so incredibly selfish with my own feelings here, but i cant help it. it isnt my fault that the tears insist on being here. its those hidden expectations-they prompt the tears. i cant control it. but, either way, i cant talk to him. if i go the whole summer not talking to him, then thats what i do. i am very hurt right now (for no apparent reason), and dealing with him means dealing with those feelings, which i dont want to do.

if anyone did this to me, id be furious. so i dont know why i would want to do this to him. my supposed best friend. i told him i was a bad friend, and he didnt believe me. maybe now he will. or will i have to ignore his calls too?