theres no description for this entry
Saturday, Apr. 24, 2004   10:11 pm

wednesday night-i walked over 3/4 of the way home before someone offered a ride. i didnt get home until 12:30 am.

thursday night-hung out with mohawk mike, angelo, and shan. missed the bus. had to have sheila come pick me up in hollywood at 11:30.

friday-hung out with mohawk, angelo, shan, and alex. left school at 10:45 to hang out with mohawk. later, 8 triple c's and a blunt laced with coke (i think it was coke-i wasnt informed of its presence until after the fact anyways). i was still fucked up from the night before. slept in a winnebago. didnt really sleep though-2 people were not meant for those tiny beds. i dont know how many times i rolled off the bed and had to push mohawk over so i could get back on the bed. got home at 11:45 am. lindsay called needed me to work for her ASAP. went home, showered, and came into work. johnathan asked me to work his shift. so, im here until midnight.

i want to sleep so badly. i am dying. nothing happened with me and this kid, mohawk mike. he is so cute, but so damned immature. he is obsessed with being a punk, so he dresses and behaves the way he believes a punk should. its embarassing. i think he and his friend believe we are going out. i dont plan on ever seeing this kid again. plus, im 9 months older than him-which is a big no-no for me.

yesterday in the car with regualr mike, he told me to wash the dishes and suck his dick. i tried to call his bluff-telling him i would suck his dick. i could never though. but i did my best to touch it. it was fucking hilarious. i gave him a hard-on 3 times. i even got the zipper down and my hand inside the final time. i was even willing to go further, but we had picked up shan by then...and that'd just be weird. the whole thing though is weird. regardless who is around. best friends dont do this.

i hate the fact that i am in love with him. it kills me. i know that he has some feelings for me too. but i would never try to build on our feelings for each other, for fear that us-as friends-would be forever lost. so, nothing will ever go further than that oddness yesterday. i wont be his first. some slut that doesnt know him will. that scares me. i am scared no one will know him or understand him the way i do. nobody else can get him like i do. i love him so much. in every way possible. i cannot wait until august. so i can be gone and let this world fall away from me. i dont need this.

emotions are for losers. i dont want them. i like the empty feeling that usually lingers inside me. this feeling of hopelessness and unfulfilled desire sucks. i always get what i want. always. i wanted hector-out of all the girls in the store, i got him. i wanted glen-after 3 years of pining and competing with shan, i got him. i wanted to go to school out of state, ill be in new mexico in months. i have a job. total freedom. no responsibilities. and now i want mike. but i cant have him. id mess him up anyways. i messed up glen-a couple weekends ago, he was baker acted and sent to a mental hospital. what am i writing? what is the point of this. i think i was hoping that if i got all these thinks out of my brain and turned them into writing they'd magically disappear. i think i am wrong though.

at least there are no enraged butterflies loose inside my tummy. that would really suck. gotta go close the store.