i do it for the drugs
Friday, Apr. 16, 2004   8:04 pm

godammit!

i am so mad at myself for being so upset at their departure. for the past 5 months i have been self-sufficient; fine, with the knowledge that i was living on my own, with no parental guidance. now that i know their plane leaves for garrison, new york at 10:00 tonight, i am falling apart.

all i can think is, what am i going to do without them? why would i think that? i have thrived without them. i have been accepted into college and am making money to support myself there and here. its all this mental, psychological bullshit. i hate it. i hate thinking.

i have pushed almost everyone out of my life. i have been so despondent to my mother that our goodbye was a pitiful-pat-on-the-back-hug. i have flat out said, to my 2 closest school friends, that i didnt want to be friends with them anymore. and just now, as i was leaking my hopeless/helpless feelings to mike, via AIM, i signed off. while he was in the middle of trying to make me feel better. i just got off. why am i doing this? whats next? shanon?! bob no!

i dont know what i am doing. i am so pathetic. i finally got my first cell phone, whose bill i am dreading to have to pay, what with paying for storage, college, and just plain trying to save my money. but i should be happy. i have wanted one for years. but thats me: heaven forbid im happy.

thats what i get for believing i was happy a few days ago and having the balls to say it aloud. damn me. i cant wait to get the fuck out of here. meet new people. ruin their lives instead of these same old people. they're prolly sick of me by now.

why does everything i do, say, or feel result in this absurd hatred of myself? why do these feelings make me want to rid myself of this sobriety?

doesnt matter-im gonna do it anyways.