balderdash
Friday, Apr. 09, 2004   12:31 pm

i counted. in the last week i have done 4 drugs (i include alcohol). i was proud of myself. until, that is, we came to the conclusion that shanon has done 6.

last night was crazy. i dont have too much to say except that i dont like the kind of drunk where the room spins when your eyes are open and closed. that means its time to throw up. i dont like to throw up.

what i do have to say however is that the wierdest thing happened. the last thing i have ever wanted or ever expected to happen. me and mike made out. mike is my best friend next to shanon. he has helped me through more than he will ever know. i have known him since we were 11 and last night we were in his bed kissing.

i have always thought he was cute-he looks like a fucking abercrombie model or something-but i have never had feelings beyond that. but lately its been different. tickling and touching and such. not bad different. but different. last night he came in the room and woke me up around 4 (i had given up on the party around 1:30). he laid down next to me and we got close. i dont know how else to explain it. we were inhaling each others exhales. but i didnt want to make a first move. if he wanted to do something, hed have to do it. and he did.

it was so nice. it felt like..finally. like id been waiting for the moment for the past 7 years. it was maybe for like a minute or two and when it was over there was a brief silence. then all he said was sorry. i couldnt help it: i started crying. not sobbing, but 2 or 3 tears were cranked out. he asked if i was crying and for some reason i said i dont know. we didnt say anything else. well, a few minutes into the silence i said "i love you soo much." and that was it. i dont know. but this morning there has been no mention of it and i doubt there will be.

shanon has to go find a graphing calc. for calc. so i gotta bounce. how pathetic is it that im in school (BCC) on my spring break? if you ask me, very.