do not print color
Thursday, Apr. 08, 2004   10:40 am

what is wrong with me? do i loathe my mother so much that i cannot even bring myself to write about her in my diary? probably. well, whatever. heres the fucking 411:

she met a guy with some money. last tuesday. hes willing to help her and my little brother out. the catch? he works in new york. with that, you would think she would decline. you would think. but no, she is moving up there today i believe. already i dont remember the last time i saw her and now she is moving across the country with my little brother and some guy i dont even know? i really dont understand. is it that hard, woman, to go out and get a fucking job? no! i got one and i am 18 with only a grocery cashier title under my belt. shes leaving me! its bad enough i have to go to the dentist by myself and do all my shopping by myself, but at least i know shes here and i can call her and yell at her at any given time. but now what can i do? i cant very well yell at myself can i? well, i wont.

god i hate her. i hate what she is doing to matthew. i wont even see him on his 11th birthday. i wont be able to see him get his first zit. i wont be able to hear the cracks in his voice or watch him check out my friends. she claims they will only be gone for the summer since neither her or her new hubby (once his divorce clears) dont like the cold weather. but by the time they make it back i will be living in santa fe, new mexico where i have finally been accepted to college. as excited as my insides want to be about that, i cant be because my family is leaving me.

if i ever said i was alone, i lied. now i know what lonliness really means. for all that i hate her, she has always been my home. and now i have nothing.