hector
Wednesday, Feb. 25, 2004   10:46 pm

I am putting this letter to hector in my diary. i wrote it 15 days ago. i cannot stand to see it sitting in my (e)mailbox. i cannot stand to know that i cannot send it to him. but i cannot stand to throw it away, to do that would be to make myself devoid of all and any emotion. i dont really like that.

i had this whole thing planned out in my head yesterday, but now...nothing. i dont know if you got my email saying i was deleting your email address, but i lied. i couldn't do that, i'd prolly never talk to you again. so here i am. and i don't know what to do. life, in every aspect, is so horrible right now. i have no one really to talk to, and no one i really want to talk to. well, except you...and you don't talk back. fluck! i don't even know if you will read this. but, i don't care, i need to vent....my birthday just passed (2/5) and i got nothing. i know, that sounds selfish or whatever, but it was my 18th, and considering all the shit i have been through lately, i'd expect someone to care. stupid expectations.... in december we were evicted from our apartment (my mom has taken up the hobby of sitting on her lazy ass and not working) and there was nowhere we could go together. so, she went to stay with her friend, and i went to go stay with another of her friends. that was december 17th..since then i have moved like 6 times. alone. it sucks and its scary. what do i do when no one wants me to live with them? thats what keeps happening, im running out of people to stay with....so, yeah, i dont really see or talk to my mom. i hate her. i hate everything. i had to quit work, because i could not get there all the time. so, im broke too. ahhh!!!!!! i want to run away and escape everything so bad. wanna go to mexico?

i know we were only together for a really short time, but you never cheated on me right? i think my whole world would just fall apart if i found that out. although i dumped my ex in december, i just found out he cheated on me (he fucked 2 other girls, one i was friends with) the day after my birthday and it hurt so bad! i dont love him anyomre or even like him, but the lying, deceit, trust..kills me. i really believed every word out of his mouth to me. so now, i do not know what to believe anymore, really...i am so lost.

another example: my mom told her friend not to get me a good job as a waitress because i'm clumsy and that it took me 3 months to learn how to cashier. i want to run away-so far away. everybody is someone else when you turn your back. i don't know who any of the people in my life are and that scares the hell out of me.

so, the reason i am writing this, is to confirm that you are still the person i knew. that you never cheated on me or lied to me. it's probably really silly to hang on to things that happened almost 2 years ago, but it feels like that's all i've got. i realized recently that 16 has been my favorite year. i started my first job, i fell in love, i went to california- it was a great year altogether. and i even got to see you on christmas. i feel so sad that it is all over. okay, so is this letter. gosh, you're not even going to read it! but i feel so much better having written it. there's few i can talk to anymore, and, i don't know. i am setting myself up to be hurt-no response from you.....but......its okay.

k....soory for this long letter. happy belated belated belated birthday. i love you. bye

hector arill-rodriguez, if you happen to be out there in holland reading this diary, please get some email! it broke my heart so much when each time i sent this to a different address i was told they didnt exist.

please think about me and miss me-miss me the way i miss you. please know how badly i want to talk to you always and forever. please.

and if you know the whereabouts of hector, please, hit me up. let me know.

peace