my life floats like a butterfly, stings like a bee
Monday, Feb. 23, 2004   12:37 pm

i float. day in. day out. i float. i take nothing in. i put nothing out. i am a mere observer in the life of Me. i have been living now with sheila and lee for

3 weeks and one day. it feels like 3 months. it feels like one day.

yesterday, i was sitting on the living room couch, watching tv. i looked around and thought: what the hell am i doing? this is not my house. why am i watching full house on someone else's couch in someone else's living room? why am i holding their remote?! i felt so lost. i felt so confused. for a brief, fleeting moment, i did not know where i was. nothing looked normal to me. i felt like i was in the home of a perfect stranger. but then i blinked. i was back in sheila's living room. back to watching full house (the one where stephanie wants danny to go to the science fair and dj wants him to go to her play, but he ends up falling asleep and missing both). back to my reality. i, for the most part, shook that horrible feeling of confusion from my mind. but it still lingers. i belong nowhere. nothing belongs to me.

tomorrow, all the seniors have been asked to bring in a baby picture-for the yearbook. i would. i love all my baby pictures. but they're in storage. i cannot get there. if i could, i wouldn't know where to begin searching for the box with my photo album in it. so, no baby pictures of mine will be in the yearbook. is it silly that that makes me so sad? is it silly that i feel like an outcast? like a freak? is it silly that i care if its silly?

all these feelings i write down, will cease to exist, or cease to be recognized, once i click the done! button. they aren't real to me if i do not acknowledge them. so, i don't. i don't want them to be real. i don't think about my feelings except when the time comes to record them. my friends don't know of them (but i don't think they'd care) and my mom. HA! mom? what the hell is that? i hate that woman. more and more each day. don't get me started.

enough loser-like venting for today. its just that i really do not have anyone to confide in. nobody wants to listen. we are all too wrapped up in our own melodramas to care about someone else's.

as the world turns, these are the days of our lives