im a loser baby....so why dont you kill me?
Monday, Feb. 09, 2004   8:10 pm

its the funniest thing, but i am not depressed right now. i know this whole glen's a dick thing just happened, but i am really over it. like, i let it hurt me, then forgot about it and moved on. that is how my life has been since december 17th, when i moved in with june.

even though i constantly move, i do not let anything move me.

except hector. when i was reading my entries from 10th grade, i was blown away. this was the only record i kept of that whole courting and dating experience with him. i am so glad i did. he was my first love, i do not know what i would do if diaryland wasn't here. anyways...it got me to thinking. i want him still, so bad. i miss him so much. last night, i think i was almost in stage 1 sleep-but i could still control my thoughts, i imagined what would happen if he stumbled upon this diary. what would happen if he found out about Nate, Toren, and Tito? they came after the last time i saw him (jan. 03, 2003) and nothing important ever came of them. so, i never told him about them. why would i? i wanted to, but i never did mention that toren and i had been "talking" when he came down for christmas. i wouldn't want him to be hurt. i love him, more than i ever could/would toren.

so, yeah, its been 2 years since i first saw him and fell in love with him at first sight. and i still love him and would die to be with him. thats a little silly though, i think. to still be in love with this kid. this kid whom i haven't seen for a year, a month, and 6 days (and about 5 hours) and with whom i have not had a relationship with since june 13, 2002. but i am. i never won't be. ever. it was my first love and it will be my last.

i don't know what is wrong with me. it isn't like i think about him nonstop, but when i do, i cannot help to think: what if? so, yeah... this entry is long, boring and pointless, but i felt like writing. bye