life sucks
Friday, Dec. 19, 2003   12:15 pm

wow, i suck at keeping up these entries. its like 3 months later and everything is changed-again.

i work at a new winn-dixie now. i couldn't stand not having a job. i really needed it. unfortunately it doesnt have the quality of guys that #236 has, but i guess i'll live.

it didnt take long for shan to come to terms and accept me and glen. and soon we were all able to hang out together. it was great-for a while, but we'll get to that.

for thanksgiving glen took me up to georgia for 4 days. it was beautiful. we stayed at his aunt's house and had our own room. she worked practically nonstop so we were mostly on our own. it was like we lived together. it was so nice. one morning i woke up to breakfast in bed. it was perfect.

we told each other we loved each other after, i dont know, about a month. i think it was the 4th week probably. i meant it so much. i had wanted to tell him a week earlier. i cant believed i said it before he did. i was shocked, but so happy. he said it too, though, so i was okay.

in the beginning of november i introduced him to triple c's. at first he didnt like it, but he got very accustomed to it very quickly. we did it all the time. at least on the weekends. then he started to take them during the week. then he started to take more. by thanksgiving he decided he was addicted. that was the beginning of the end, i think.

he began taking C's like every other day and stopped hearing any voice of reason. he even let himself drive fucked up and refused to believe that he was of any danger to anyone else. i was so scared for him. really, i was. i have never feared for anyone else's life before (except my mom). but i worried for him so much. eventually, i gave him an ultimatum. choose: drugs or me. he chose me. the next night we hung out-and got fucked up. that was it. a week ago tonight we broke up. one day before our 11 weeks. one week before our 3 months. it hurt but i was ready. i was so ready. i was so distracted by my life with him that i began avoiding my school obligations and friends. so, now we are friends.

i love him still with all my heart, but i feel like such a boulder has been lifted off of my shoulders. we are friends. like a lot of people, when they break up, do not stay friends. but, so far we have and i am glad. because i dont want him out of my life, not yet. he's become a fixture. i dont know how i will feel if he hooks up with another girl. especially so soon. i would be crushed. which is like a double-standard considering i kissed his friend 2 nights in a row last weekend. i dont like his friend, but drugs do a lot of bad stuff i guess. so, yeah, thats where my love life stands now. nowhere really. and everything else sucks too.

i have begun abandoning school. im too scared of the future and i dont want to become something i will regret. my family was evicted from our last apartment. so, i really have nowhere to live. but its okay, i will deal with it i guess. christmas is coming. so thats bad. yeah, no more.