i am empty-yet again
Friday, May. 16, 2003   9:01 am

i guess just to update, toren hardly exists in my little world anymore. he used me and got what he wanted, so why stick around? it's okay, if he still talked to me i might still like him and end up really hurt by him. i used him too. i have to keep telling myself that, i guess.

nate. i had a talk with him. i was told he broke up with his girlfriend weeks ago, so i thought i was in the all-clear to have some sort of a real relationship with him. i called him in the middle of the night, again, and he came over. we talked in his car. he told me that they were still going out and that they would be until he stopped having feelings for her. i felt really stupid. i felt really confused. he didn't want to break up with her, but he was willing to cheat on her? that's stupid. i thought it then and i still think it now. anyways, i apologized to him if it seemed like i was trying to break them up. i was not. he isn't that important to me. if i had known they were still together i would not have called him. but, oh well, what's done is done. well, we talked for over an hour in his car, and eventually i took him upstairs and we had sex. good sex. triple c good. so, i guess i am "the other woman"? we are friends with benefits apparently. he came over again a couple nights ago. it was good then too. i am happy when i am in his arms. i don't know how he feels: he doesn't ever say anything to me. i think he does that though to protect me. to keep me from getting emotionally attached to him. he told me from the start that he didn't want to hurt me or lead me on. it's sweet, kinda.

i am going to kill my mother. i really am. i don't care what happens to me afterward. if i go to jail, then i go to jail. whatever. she is so terribly horrible to me. did you know that she actually had the nerve to yell at me the other day because of something that had to do with my father. something about her trying to apply for foodstamps, and she needed his address to prove he wasn't paying child support or something. i have blocked it out because it was so horrible. HOW DARE SHE!!! it hurts so much to know she wants to take the blame for that out on me. it was her dirty slut ass that fucked him. not me. i had nothing to do with it. i didn't ask him not to be a responsible father and not to pay child support. it has nothing to do with me. gosh, it is tearing me up inside right now. it was such a harsh blow.