all i want for christmas is you
Monday, Apr. 28, 2003   11:35 am

i feel like a whole new person. but not in a good way, really. not in a bad way, either. i just do not feel like me. i do not feel like i know who i am at all right now. as of 30 hours ago i have had sex with a total of four people. it seems like so many when i think about it. it isn't. i swear. it does not feel like it at least. wow, imagine how shannon must feel. sex with 19 people and everything else with so many more. anyways, back to me.

saturday night i went out with natalie and her new beau. toren was supposed to join us, but he blew me off. so, to supplement him, i took 7 triple c's. good stuff, man. we went out, had fun. but when i got home, at around 12:30, i was still buzzed and didn't want to kill it by going right to sleep. plus, i felt like the night was still young, and there was so much i could be out doing. so, i sat and pondered. taking a long walk around my neighborhood was the most prevelant thought, but i wouldn't have been content to do just that. so, i searched my phone book. i could not find anyone with a car who would be willing to come and get me and just hang out....what would we do? especially being underage and all. but, i got to the N's and the name just popped out at me: NATE. i stared at the number. should i call? ever since our little date, things had been just plain old normal. it was like he had forgotten we went out and he told me he had a girlfriend. (toren told me the other day they broke up some weeks ago.)what would i say if i called him-out of the blue? i didn't know, but i was so willing to find out. ever since this huge bullshit with my mom started, i have been wanting to lash out and do something i might be able to get in trouble for. don't ask why. i have no clue. maybe it's because she wants me to move out and i want her to regret her words (although i will move out the first chance i get). well, anyways, i had it all planned out. i would call someone and keep them on the phone for a while, so when he called the phone wouldn't ring, but i would get a call waiting. then i would slip out the front door, which i left a little bit open after looking for my cat (whom i knew was already in the house) so it wouldn't make noise. everything worked perfectly. i think my mom may have just gotten to sleep. either way though, i got out.

it was an interesting time. i think he picked me up around 1:00 and took me home about 5:45. we did it in his Explorer. it was mighty uncomfy, but he prmised next time it would be in a bed. i am not going to go into any details because i don't want to.

this guy next to me smells like weed.

i do not know where me and nate stand. still coworkers, i guess. i have no clue if he likes me or not. he has never said he has. but, i guess we're even because i never told him i like him either. i think i might want to be his girlfriend, but i don't really know how that would work out. i think all i really want out of this is to know that he does like me. that he wasn't just using me. that would be nice.

not much else to tell right now, so peace