i need......
Tuesday, Apr. 22, 2003   9:41 am

i am killing myself. not literally this time but i guess figuratively. i am behind on so much schoolwork and the thought of it ties up my stomach in knots, so i just stop thinking about it. but then, an hour later, the thoughts of how i am ruining my future and of how to get out of this 10 foot hole return. it hurts a lot that i know just how destructive i am being but not doing a damn thing to change it. katrina asked me yesterday: so i'm driving you? where? to school next year. that scared me. i am gonna be back at stranahan next year with katrina and all those other yucky people i worked so hard to get away from! it makes me so mad that i won't/can't? do better and even madder that my mom does nothing to help, only to criticize.

toren asked me last night why i am so angry-or why i have so much anger inside me. i couldn't answer him because i denied there was any anger in me. but after we'd changed the subject i realized there was, but i am still having a hard time grasping exactly why it's there. i am mad at him for not loving me and only me. i am mad at ade for not trying harder with me-for giving up so easily and willingly on us (although i did that months ago). i am mad at my mom for not caring enough to help me more and for not caring enough to do better to support us and herself. and i think most of all i am mad at myself for being mad at these people for all of these selfish reasons. i expect so much from everyone around me? why? i have never gotten this which i ask of people so what has brought me to expect it? why am i rambling?

i truly do not know what to do with myself. all i can do is try, but my efforts are not enough and i need help. but no one in my life can give me the help i need. they do not even see a need for it. and god forbid i try to explain, then i look like i am just being a drama queen or something. man, i'm done. bye