breaking apart
Tuesday, Apr. 15, 2003   10:02 am

i am so upset with my life right now. it is breaking my heart. me and this special someone are not so special anymore-and of course its my fault. i have pulled back from him enormously-again. i can't believe this. b.g. info: in the beginning of the year we were really close and we talked a lot. then i found out he was getting kind of serious with another cashier and, although i knew we weren't exlcusive or even friends with benefits, i couldn't compete with her (especially since i found out he went down on her several times). so, i blew him off. every chance i got. i ran from him when i saw him at school. i stayed away from his department at work. and when the horrible event of us walking past each other did sporadically occur, i avoided any eye contact. i was so scared of liking this guy and then of being hurt by this guy. i also didn't want to get in between what i thought was a serious thing happening between him and her. but, in january i apologized. after 3 months of not talking to him, the guilt finally got to me. i felt horrible. as i do now.

me and him...i don't know. but he is currently talking to one other girl that i know of (and know). him and i are not exclusive. i understand this. but it really sucks that he wants to talk to more than just me. he is the only guy in my life right now and i think it is so unfair that there are like 4 girls in his. i am not jealous, i am just being cautious. so as not to like him too much and then let him hurt me. so i pull back now-before it is too late. i haven't completely avoided/ignored him. i called him friday night from camp. i only called him and ade the whole weekend. so, that says something, right? i am not a bitch, i am just very careful. i really cannot stand to be hurt again. or broken. and i say this all the time just before it actually does happen.

in order to not get broken when bad stuff happens, i ignore my feelings. i go on with my life not thinking about it. as though nothing happened. i think i go through denial. but that's good. why should i have to confront bad feelings that are just going to make me feel worse? it makes no sense. i am going to talk to him the next time i see him. we are going to be just friends. i like being his friend and i like knowing that if i go to his house i am not expected to have sex. i don't know how he will react to my "demands" but i know it is best. so there.

my mom is driving me crazy. she keeps drilling into my head that my school work is slacking and that the school year is almost over. like i don't know that?!?!? i do! i kill myself over it every day. it is such this gigantic weight on top of me. but something is wrong with me. she refuses to believe it. i won't do the work. i know that. she thinks i am being rebellious and defiant just to spite her. i am not being either. i can't make myself do this stuff. even though i tell myself all the time to remember California. it doesn't work. i have given in to the fact that i am going back to high school. and that i might not be able to start at a university in a year and a half. it burns me inside, but i somehow refuse to put the fire out and do what i need to do. i hate myself for it. god! i do. it makes me so sad. but here i am typing when i know there is something else i could be doing. i feel like i have to do something really drastic at home so my mom will believe i am not okay and get me help. i have already told her several times i need something. does she understand how hard that is for me? i don't like talking to her period, but talking about getting psychological help? i am so desperate for something from her that that's what i was willing to do. and what happened? empty promises and fake soft eyes. i get worse by the day. she sees this and only yells more. please don't yell at me mommy! please. it hurts! i cannot help this. i need so much and you ignore it. i am sorry i am not mormal and that i don't like my family, but find me help and maybe that can change. but no, she doesn't hear my screams. she hears not my crying. i cry all the time. practically in her face. she hears nothing. she hears the radio on and the sound of me not doing homework. i hate her sometimes. and lately is one of those times.

why have i written so much? i feel i have accomplished nil. i think i should stop now. i am getting too sad for myself.