mateo, mom, and me
Monday, Mar. 24, 2003   10:04 am

i never know what to write. i have all these thing to say, yet none of it seems to make sense in here.

let's kinda go over, first, what i was trying to say in the last entry.

mateo fucked me royally. and we never even met. i talked to this kid for over a month every night on the phone-for hours at a time. it wasn't like something i have never done before, but each time i do it, its great and i allow myself to get a little attached to the person. stupid! stupid! stupid! i eventually sent him my picture. i even went out and bought a disposable camera just to make sure i had at least one nice picture of myself. and then eventually i sent it to him. after a bunch of mistakes and re-sends, he eventually got it. then, our relationship died. he saw my picture and said only to me: not good. i had prepared myself for this, but he told me that the more he talked to me on the phone, the less it mattered what i looked like. foolishly, i believed him with all my heart. he didn't break my heart. he didn't make me cry. i don't hate him. and i don't hate myself because of him. but i am hurt that he lied. the lying is always what gets to me. can't be sure exactly why, though. prolly because i fall for guys' words the second they hit my ears, and i take them to be truth. in my mind, when someone says something, they mean it. i keep learning, time after time, the hard way, that that is nowhere near reality. i do not think he is an asshole, like he expects everyone to think. i know i would do the exact same thing to someone. it is just the fact that he lied. that i fell for it. but, truthfully, i am over it. it didn't bother me a tremendous amout in the first place. it just hurt a little. but all is good. we don't talk though. i don't think i have talked to him for two or three weeks now.

my mom. she has been smoking since she was about 15. probably younger, that is just what i have been able to gather. i think now, after thousands of packs of marlboros, it is finally coming back to bite her in the ass. she coughs. she coughs her soul out. she coughs out everything inside her. i hear it. i wince. i can't help it. it hurts. i am so scared to think what her lungs must look like. what if she has a disease? i cannot live without my mother nor can matthew. we need her and she doesn't care. she really doesn't. she will cough for fifteen minutes straight and thinks nothing is wrong. i think she bought some cough medicine. i told her to go to the doctor. why? she asks, it's just a cough. i hate her sometimes. i hate her for hating herself, and not realizing what she is doing to all of us. she really doesn't think anything is wrong. i hope she does die, that will show her. then she can come back to life and be healthy again. i don't know.

that's all finally out of the way and out of my head. this weekend, i went on a date-a real date!- with nate, from work. i never ever though about liking him really. i see him in the aisles and i stop and we chat. i had lunch with him once and that was whatever. but tuesday night, he drove me home. still, it was whatever. he is such a funny character that i never could picture him as an object of my desire. he is funny as hell and lives in his own world at work. he is such a different person from anyone i know, and i love being his friend. well, we were sitting in my driveway and he asked if "my people let me out of the house". so, this was his segue into asking me out. i didn't stress over it. i ate normally for the rest of the week. i didn't wash any special clothes. i didn't blow dry my hair. i did, however, shave. but that could have just been because i knew i was going to the beach the next morning, and time wouldn't permit me to do so then. it was fun. at first i was a little uncomfortable. i didn't think i would have anything to say. at work, although we may be talking one-on-one, the world is still happening around us. in his car it was just me and him. but, somehow, we started talking and i became very comfortable. we didn't touch for hours into the "date" (a friend called him while we were driving and he said "i gotta go, i'm on a DATE"). during the movie we saw-i know typical-we held hands and i rested my head on his shoulder-and that was at like 10 (he picked me up just before 8). i am not a slut. i did not expect to be having sex with him by then, but i expected him to try something. but, no. later at the beach-at about 12/1230-we kissed after wrestling and play-fighting. but then he stopped. he sat me down to break the news to me. he has a "shorty" who just came down from new york. i didn't know what to think. i didn't know how i should feel upon hearing this information.

now, however, i must go study for a make-up history test which i subsitituted for ice cream last thursday. so,