mom sux big, heavy, sweaty balls
Monday, Nov. 04, 2002   2:29 pm

I don't know what to do. My mom lost her job again. I have to go check and see how much is in her account before I will get really worried though, I guess. But fuck man! I am really worried. It was ten months before she got the TAG job after losing the Journal job. TEN MONTHS! That was the end of my 9th grade to the almost end of my 10th grade. She lost it way back when I was still talking to Jordan and got another one after I was in love with Hector! I hate her.

I really do. I blame her for all of the misfortunes that have hit our family. She killed my father. She got us thrown out of countless apartments. She provoked Byron so he'd hit her. She fucking blew up the Twin Towers in my mind. I hate her.

I know I should be supportive. I really want to be. This cannot be an easy thing for her of all people. She has people counting on her for their survival. She probably feels like she is inadequate and unworthy. She needs me to run up to her and tell her everything will be okay and that she will have a better job so soon. But I cannot do that. I don't think I can do that. Inside me, while on the outside there is silence and contempt, I am screaming I am sorry! I love you. We will be okay! I love you and I am here for you. But she doesn't know that. Maybe the more angry she thinks I am with her, the harder she will try to find another job. I really hope that's the way it will work. Or maybe, she will take on my attitude and settle for McDonalds or something. I don't know. I don't know jack! Do I love her? I don't know.

I had my first Metrotown this weekend. It was awesome. Really stressful and exhausting, but freaking awesome! The kids there really learned something and I think they will take a lot back to their schools. I wish some of the guys had been taller though. I might have actually liked them then. Like Ronnie, Chris, Oscar, and maybe even Jacques. I hope that in between fucking around Ronnie and Chris understood what was going on and will make some minor change in their lives because of it. Even if it is just a personal resolution not to disrespect their mothers. Anything. Then that will mean I had a hand in making at least two lives better. Corny? Just call me Cheesy McCheese. I cannot wait until the next one!

Today is Jordan's birthday. Happy birthday. I would call him, but I have no reason. I do not have the right to wish him a happy birthday. I have not talked/made contact with him since February. And that was the most bitter, hate-filled thing I could have said to him. So, I do not have the right, nor do I deserve to call him. If I called him old wounds that are maybe just starting to scab over would be opened and fresh. And to him, if he has missed me at all, it wouldn't be fair. But, honestly, I doubt that he has thought about me very much. Like a certain someone else I loved.

I did not think about Hector all weekend. That is four days! I am so proud of myself. But I realize that in order to keep living my life Hector-free, I have to keep myself constantly moving and constantly surrounded by other people. That shouldn't be so hard. I am just so outgoing and I have this radiance that just makes guys and girls alike flock to me like bees on honey. Yeah, okay. In December. December. December. December. Sigh. I think it is time for me to go away now. All of this thinking is making me even more glum than the job thing is making me.

Oh, I am also, like, failing the whole College Academy thing. Sucks. But I won't go back to Stranahan. Not for my life. Especially not for my life. Maybe for Hector's life. NO! Not even for his. Well, yeah for his. But that's the only way I would go back. And if I could go out with him again and be with him and only him forever. That is the only way I would go back to Stranahan.

Bye.