love is a many splendored thing
Monday, May. 13, 2002   7:55 am

i love him. at least i am pretty sure i do. i don't think i had a chance to write it, but i had sex with him last week. yup, i've been deflowered. hehe. it wasn't what i expected but i wasn't disappointed either. more about that later...

i told him i love him after thinking about it for a long time. i wasn't about to love him if i wasn't positive he loved me back. in my mind i super analyzed everything we've done, everything he's said, and every look he's made. certain things lead me to believe he does feel really strongly about me if not love me: he bought me the bear; he stayed at work last night unitl 9:30-he got off at 8 i was off at 9; he told his dad and his mom up in Mich. about me; and he calls me like all the time-i never have to worry about calling him. i don't know, but i really love him. i am going to be so shattered (that is the defining word of this relationship) when he leaves in june-if he leaves. he is actually considering staying here with his abusive, crazy, unpredictable father for me. i told him i don't want him to stay, i want him to go up there and be happy with his mom, his friends, and his old life. i would never expect him to live with his dad any more than he really has to. how he can go home to his house day after day and put up with his father's bulshit is beyond me. this kid is like mad strong or something. i couldn't do it.

i love hector's brain. the way he thinks just makes me smile. the way his mind moves and the way he says things. i asked him what he'd take to a deserted island (you know the one item or whatever) and he said a boatcar like they have in the army and/or navy. that way he could get off of the island whenevr he wanted. NOBODY has ever said anything as smart as that to me. i was totally blown away. it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it is kinda to me.

well, i have to make this quick but here's how thurs went. i went to his house after skool on early release. he picked me up from eckerds. at first we were chilling in his room watching fight club but then we started making out. then really making out-like laying on top of each other. i did it. i told him in these exact words: i wanna do it. he looked so happy. he was like: are you sure? i was totally sure. i really wanted to. so he went and put on his glove and we went to it. at first when he was putting it in it hurt, but eventually i adjusted to it. he was like the perfect size for me. we did it twice. i didn't cum but thats ok, i just wanted to make sure i ws doing it right. after that we took a shower. yup, a shower. i was really iffy about standing up naked in front of anyone, let alone somebody i really like, but i put my fears aside and we took a shower. it was wierd, but i would do it again. i love his hair. it's so wild and free-kinda like him. but also soft. after the shower i got dressed again-his socks and underwear-and we watched tv for a little while. everything was kinda wierd, like he seemed a little distanced from me. i was soooo scared, i thought he hated me or something. i mean he's been with other people and i had no experience. so............ then we went into his room again and watched Eye of the Dragon or something (some bruce lee shit he's really into) while i waited for my cab. we laid down together and it was really nice. hector had really wanted to do more, but i decided i didn't want to get into anything else that day. i didn't want to keep the cab waiting if it pulled up. then the cab did come and i got home 10 minutes before i had to be at work. i called my boss telling him i would be late. i was-22 minutes. oh well. the rest of the day i was a little sore. for the first two hours of work i felt like i was going to throw up. but i got better. it turns out though, that i have a bruise on my inner thigh. i don't know how and i don't know why. i didn't want to call him that night. if he really wanted to talk to me he could call me. i felt like he hated me, i really did. him calling me would prove he didn't. he called. and the next day at work everything was normal. and every chance he gets he talks about doing it again and all of this shit he wants to try. i am down for anything he wants-almost. none of that anal stuff for me though. no sirree bob. hopefully, next friday when there is no school, i can go over to his house again, while his dad is at work. i think i do love him.

he is the first thing i think about in the morning. this morning, as soon as i turned on my light, i thought "only 7 hours before i can talk to him again", that was my first coherent thought of the day. every night, he is the last person i talk to, and from the time we hang up to the time my dreams come, he is the only thing on my mind. i hope his tummy tickles for me the way mind does for him.

have to go now. bye bye