no trust
Thursday, May. 09, 2002   8:25am

i am so... i don't really know what i am. i think i'm happy, i mean why shouldn't i be? i have a boyfriend who really likes me and i REALLY like him back. i am making money like crazy (yet it still doesn't seem like enough?). and i hardly hafta see my mom anymore. but everyhting inside me is keeping me from basking in this sudden contentment with life. oh, well, let me tell about hector.

i did kiss him. so nice. on friday we both worked and he gave me a teddy bear he bought for me. very very sweet. he is very nice and i want to get to know him so much better. it seems like there is just so much there inside him. i think he might have said ILY (i love you) to me last nite. but thats exactly what he said:I-L-Y, so i don't know. but i really hope not. i don't need that; i don't want to fall in love with him, especially if he is moving in a month. i am going to his house today after school. very nervous. i don't know what he expects from me. i'm a virgin-he isn't. i forgot to grab my weed and a condom-hey you never know. god if anyone i know ever reads this....

my biggest problem with this whole relationship is trust. i don't trust him. its not the kind of trust like he's gonna rape me or go through my purse, but the kind of trust where i feel like he's gonna do something to hurt me or lie to me. everything he says to me i doubt. guys in the past have made it impossible for me to trust anyone anymore. i am very wary of everyhting he says and does. i am even planning to make a list of things that seem genuine and from the heart and things that seem a little fabricated or too good to be true or off. he says im beautiful, and i feel like he just wants me to believe that that is what he is thinking. like he's just trying to work my feelings up so he can let me down and watch me fall that much harder. i dont think it's HIM. if i went out with anybody i would feel like this. i feel this way about greg totally.

speaking of greg, he knows. finally. on monday this loser from work who thinks he's hot shit went to see gerg at his job. greg said to tell me i am beautiful and whatnot. i don't know what all went down, but somewhere the kid told him me and hector go out. all greg said (allegedly) was: oh, i didn't know. who knows if that kid was tellin the truth. see, i don't believe anything from anyone. well, im gonna go now, im tired of writing. typing. whatever. wish me luck today. and maybe i will return not as a girl... but as a woman. gesus that was CHEESY McCHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! peaco outo