stupid weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, Apr. 29, 2002   8:40 am

My life is so stupid right now. That is the only way to describe it. This weekend was the most fucked up weekend I've been through all year.

It started out awesome cuz I went to Bonzai (but Left Eye died that morning). That was the most fun shit!!! Crowdsurfing, moshing, smoking, drinking, dancing, kissing. SO many people so much to see. I dared Adelaine to kiss this guy, and she did. His name was Danny and he was 22-we'll never see him again. I kinda wish I had smoked or something, but I know I would have been a lot more hurt if I were stoned. Oh well. That was such an awesome day/nite. But the rest of my weekend was not like that.

The next day at work, the word spread that I like Hector. Damn it. I never wanted anyone to know that-let alone the whole damn store. Katrina told all the baggers and stockers and then as soon as he walked in they told him I wanted to hook up with him. I was so embarassed, you'd think I'd have left. But I couldn't-I was assigned to stand at the door and greet customers. They were all on break, just chillin in the front. Hector said he liked me too, but all I could do was respond with cold, cruel, sarcasm. I left in smiles and almost in tears. I didn't know what to do or think. So, that night I went out and did the teenager thing.

Saturday night was the last nite my mom would be working over night, and since I got off work kinda early, I decided to call up Greg and see if I could come over. Stupid, stupid, stupid!! He and Vince came over to get me and we went back to Greg's house and chilled. Got fucked up and chilled. I really didn't wanna do anything with Greg, but I do like Vince. Unfortunately, Vince left @ like 11:30, leaving me and Greg alone. I was kinda really uncomfy, but the drugs took care of that. Greg is such a big druggie!!! He sat there snorting OC talking about doin coke and shit. I could never really like somebody like that. I don't give a fuck if you get high and drop some pills and shit, but fucking with coke and other shit, no thanx.

We went for a walk, and ended up by the cemetery in a little field. He asked if he could kiss me and he did. It was soooo gross. That is the first guy I have ever met that cannot kiss for shit! He tried to eat my mouth. And for someone complaining about cotton mouth, he was plenty wet, like slobbery. EwWWW!!!!!!!!!! We did other stuff, but that shit grosses me out. I left at like 1 or 1:30 saying I'd call him. Did I? Hell no! I should have gone home with Vince when he'd asked earlier. But now when I walk past the pet store, I have to be wary of seeing him/them. Is it gonna be weird between us? I almost hate the guy. All the shit he said to me and I didnt believe shit of it. That kid thinks he knows chicks and how to get them to see his soft side or something-well, he doesn't know this chick.

I like Mack and Zack. But maybe Zack more. At least he's older. I hate talking to litle kids and I feel like a loser (thats why I try to keep it on the DL) but they're cool. Zack says Mack likes me, but those kids lie and fuck around like that so much I don't know what to believe. Shan gets mad when I start talking to her friends, thats prolly why I just emailed Zarnovich :) Her friends are cool, mine aren't. She should feel blessed or something.

Here's what really has me down right now. Hector. He gave me his # at work yesterday, and Shan got me to call him. Our conversation couldn't have been more than 15 minutes, but in that short time, my heart and hopes were all crushed into little dust particles. He is so much different than he is at work. I hate him, but I love him-so much. I cried when we got off the phone-he had to "jump in the shower". It was terrible. I wanna quit work and never see him again. I hate him. Is shit gonna be wierd with us too? Why did I call him? thats the thought that keeps bugging the shit out of me. I wanna call in sick on Tuesday! He's moving to Michigan in June. Thats sad too. Katrina says he likes me but wouldn't want to go with me cuz we'd hafta break up soon and I confuse him with my big words and deep thoughts apparently. I think I like him because he reminds me sooooo much of Dylan. Oy vey. I wrote this poem about Hector last nite after we hung up and I cried in a little ball. I love him, or soemthing like that. wahtever. I dont care anymore. I'm lying but it sounds true right. no, even in typing i can see right through myself. very down today. piece