dad sux
Friday, Mar. 22, 2002   8:08 am

i feel like everything i write about is so petty. like i make my whole life seem like one bad episode of saved by the bell. i dont know.

ok, this is gonna sound wierd, but im the only one who reads my diary anyway-so it doesnt much matter. Every night i say goodnight to everyone: Byron, his father, my aunt Joan, Granny Frankie, Uncle Howard, Uncle Roy, Brenda, Junebug, Brad, Joe C., John Lennon, Aaliyah, Anne Frank, Kurt Cobain, and other people whose deaths have affected my life. Well, of course Byron is always first. I used to call him Daddy when i said goodnight. But ever since I started seeing my real father, I don't know what to call Byron. I want to call him Daddy, but I can't. But I know he deserves it more than my father does. But, I can't call my father Dennis. He would hate me if I did. But I feel like i love Byron more than I do my father, I just cannot bring myself to call him Daddy anymore. ok, getting redundant. it really sux though that im in this position.

honestly, i don't know how much i love my father. i would give my life for anybody-anyone in the world, but not him. yeah, he's my father, but he's only acted like it 2 or 3 times in my life. he threatened to kill me and my mom once. how could i love someone who'd do that. even if i know he would never, just the fact that he could manage to say something like that to the mother of his first daughter-hurts. he's a horrible man. i almost detest him actually. he's cool talking to on the phone, and he can be funny to hang out with, but i view him more as a friend than i could as my father. hes a lying bastard who doesn't deserve the happy life he lives. he doesn't deserve the 3 little girls that love him like they do. he doesn't deserve such a loyal wife-he does deserve a stupid one as she is-but not so loyal. he ruined my life. so how do i go to his house on weekends? how do i talk to him on the phone for hours? this man took away my life. he has made me incredibly wary of all men. my mother loved him. if he had stayed with her, we could be a very happy family. living in a gated community. not moving three times a year. not living on ten dollars a week. i could be happy. but no-my father-my flesh and blood who creaed me-is a prick. a selfish pussy loving prick. i think the real reason i see him is to use him. i know that he feels bad for the things he's done and hasn't done, and he's trying to make up for it now. haha. joke's on him. im depressed now-good job.