dont ask me..
Saturday, Jul. 02, 2005   8:41 pm

i want to stop. stop doing drugs. stop fucking just anyone. stop being so unmotivated. but i dont know how right now.

driving through this orlando suburb-type area makes me sad. these people have normal lives. i want that. i want a life thats comfortable-not financially, but emotionally. kids riding bikes in the afternoon. i want to know my mailman. i want to know that every spring my neighbors plant the most beautiful tulips. i want an address that becomes part of me. this has happened in the past, but so far in the past that i cant remember where or any faces. but i know it happened because i miss it.

i want a normal life. part of why i cant is my mom. i know that. but i do not blame her. its just out circumstances. so, while everyone has gone home for the summer to family dinners and lazing around in their underwear, i am in a whole different universe. i talk to my mom maybe once a week because i dont have a phone and i have only seen her once in the last 6 or 7 months. havent talked to my father in about that long also. i want normal.

but can i give this up? partying...sex with strangers...taking whatever pill, powder, joint, or drink that is handed to me...i need it. live for it. but its not enough. i feel that there is something more for me. i feel it so deep. its in my bones. im meant to do more. god...when will i be ready?

i want love and to be loved. thats what this all comes down to.