forget everyone whos jaded cuz they dont matter and i dont care...
Friday, Jul. 01, 2005   1:07 am

almost a week here now. im ready to leave, but i dont see it happening quite yet.

my first nights here were terrible:

Saturday-tripping like crazy on 2ci...went to sleep in alexs room. the rabbit wouldnt stop spazzing and go to sleep. the cramp in my neck wouldnt leave me alone. i didnt fall asleep until well after daylight.

Sunday-miriam sleeps at tulleys. i walked into alexs room and turned the light on-with the insufferable curtis (whom i met hours before when he came over to watch a movie) right behind me. lo and behold, alex was home and trying to sleep. i backed out pretty fast. id have slept at miriams cousins (which is where i am now) but he had company. so, good old curtis offered me his bed. i told him that i was drained and exhausted and that nothing would happen. i guess he didnt hear me. again, didnt fall asleep until after the sun rose. we didnt have sex-i spent the whole time telling him i wasnt going to do anything. i had to tell him again when he woke me up later before his class for some before-class-head.

Monday-the first of 2 or 3 nights on the couch in miriams cousins place. ive learned that couches are more of an afternoon nap thing than a full nights sleep thing.

my days were little better. i want to go home. im so out of place here. and while miriams gone at work all i can do is watch tv and wait for her to come back. and then when she is back, i cant wait to be alone again. around her i just always feel bad. im not enough of anything for her. im not outgoing enough-i make her tired. i dont have enough money for anything fun. i cant think of any more-but it doesnt matter because i always end up feeling like im shit.

id rather go home and be alone than be here and go to a boring party maybe once a week. this is really long, but i have no one to talk to here. ive talked to shannon twice in 6 days. i cant use miriams phone until after 9 and by then the batteries usually too low. oh, yeah-i dont have a cell phone either. i hear a lot of shit about that, too.

i could spend all my time with curtis. but then id just be having a lot of sex with a kid over 6 months my junior. either that, or telling him that i dont want to. so, ill stick this experience out by myself. atv is coming up tomorrow and we got some shrooms tonight and are going for more tomorrow.

i cant stop typing because i am dying to talk to someone. im not myself with anybody here. she says im not outgoing enough, but with shannon im a whole different person. save me!