dont call me sweethart
Wednesday, Aug. 04, 2004   2:05 pm

8/17/04

6:55am

my departure date and time. im really leaving. in less than 2 weeks. 13 days away. im so scared.

nobody around seems to understand why i am so afraid or why i insist on bringing as much of my stuff as possible. thats because nobody here is leaving their time zone, their coast, or their lives behind. im going further than anyone i know (my kinda friend's sister's friend went to UCLA 4 years ago-does that count?), im scared to death, and no one understands.

leaving florida means leaving my family. it means being able to do absolutely nothing for them. in preparation for the move, i have already begun living as though they dont exist. i cant help it. i am so scared to be away from them, that i do everything in my power never to think about them. i dont even know where they are right now. as of monday they had to be out of the hotel i think. thats what my mom said friday or saturday. whats going to happen to them? is matt going to be able to start school on the 16th? will he have new school clothes or school supplies?

thats what ill do. i will buy him clothes and supplies. i cant afford it for my life, but i wont let him start middle school with no friends, bleach-stained clothes, and stupid number 2 pencils instead of the mechanical ones. i always hated that. my mom refused to buy me the damn mechanical pencils. everyone had them but me!

wow-am i really so self-centered that i just turned my plan to help matt into some pity party for me? yes, yes i really am.